Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's blow job season.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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