last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Randomize
