The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
