wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And then my night got REAL pukey
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
