You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We had to coat check the pizza.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
