you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He felt like a one man threesome
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
