Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Randomize
