When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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