Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
