i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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