hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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