Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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