dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
this will be a night to untag.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
