You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
