Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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