There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
