So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
