i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
