She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
