I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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