i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
