Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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