You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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