I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
