so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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