I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
