My room smells like vodka and shame
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
