Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
