I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
