I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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