dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
