I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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