Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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