it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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