i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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