do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
