I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's just like the Real World with babies
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
