from now on my penis is your penis
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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