The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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