Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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