I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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