I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
