I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
