You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
