ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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