I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
