I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
