I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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