found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
