By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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